My friend died when I was 16. It was tragic for me.
In the years following I just naturally grew a stronger connection with her parents. I think it was a part of everyone grieving.
Her parents would have me over for lunch. Her mother and I would talk on the phone every once in a while.
Despite years of us talking — ranging all topics — this one conversation stands out in my memory…
She said, “TJ, you have some really interesting thoughts about life. Have you ever considered writing? You should write about these things you share with me.”
“I do? I should? Maybe. I don’t really like writing.”
“I think you should really consider writing. It would be so helpful for other people...”
“Interesting. Thank you. I guess I can think about it…”
We got off the phone and my life carried on for the next 6-7 years…little to no writing happening.
Then…
In my early twenties I was having a hard time reconciling all kinds of inner conflict and unrest. I had no reason to be “unhappy”. But I was so frustrated with my life…I often found myself complaining or approaching things with a very poor attitude…which was unlike me.
My best friend suggested: Writing.
He said, “Journaling has been one of the best things for me. I learned how to journal at a very young age after my dad died…I have stacks and stacks of them…it was one of the tools they suggested when I was going through counseling. So helpful. You should try it.”
“Interesting. I don’t really like writing. But I guess I can try it…”
I began sporadic journaling without much organization or clarity. The lack of organization was what really bothered me…now I know it was just a signal about my need for control…I wanted to organize and control everything — including peoples’ opinions of me — because I felt like I had no control over what was going on inside of me. I would later learn that there’s actually some truth to the fact that you don’t have control when you’re demonized…but that’s for another story.
A few more years go by and now I’m in my mid-twenties…
Hungry Starving for God, I was having a very intense spiritual awakening and Jesus was really after me.
I was learning to let go of everything…to the point where I quit my job to follow God…with absolutely nothing to do. Quite literally.
This empty space in my life — with nowhere to be and nobody to see — showed me what kinds of things I would gravitate towards naturally…things like church, trading, real estate, speaking, coaching…and…trying to process everything inside of me.
So I started writing.
It started with stacks of journals. At first I had lots of filtering while writing…I remember when I first realized this. Big breakthrough for me: “Why didn’t I write what I was actually thinking?” A big part of my healing journey was being able to observe — without judgment — my own thinking. This was important because I was able to observe what kinds of thoughts I’d believed were “mine” but had actually come from the father of lies (John 8:44). Over time I also became more aware of the thoughts I’d edit just to make other people feel better…also known as “people pleasing”.
Sometime at the end of 2015 / beginning of 2016 I wrote my first public post titled something like “How To Know If You’re Living A Fear-Driven Life”…
I remember being so scared to click the button that would make those personal thoughts public. Which is a bit ironic.
In June 2016 I launched my first e-mail list with a blog called “I was just thinking…”
My writing was a bit more like poetry…looking back I think I should’ve called it “healing publicly”. It probably didn’t make a lot of sense unless you were also having a spiritual awakening with lots of discovery happening. But I guess not much has changed about my writing :)
It’s now been ~6 years since I started writing publicly. The thought of publishing my first book still scares me. But I’m so grateful for the ways God spoke through others to encourage me in writing.
There’s a lot more to this story. A lot unwritten. I just wanted to share what I learned this week while reflecting about one way God shows you your gifting.
The lesson is a question: Are there moments or memories when God has revealed a gift He has given you? Have you ever given yourself enough time and space — to the point where it’s uncomfortable — to see what kinds of things you’d naturally gravitate to? Have you ever tried to “open” the gift He has given you?
In that "time and space" now, and it's definitely uncomfortable. Trying to be patient in this season, as Holy Spirit leads. Any tips on "observing without judgment" your thinking?